Busy Body and Emotions

Well I certainly got busy! I literally haven't had almost any time to myself since I moved up here to be able to write. So I am here in Fort Worth. I have landed a job at Great Clips and it has been an amazing transition!

I definitely miss my  family so that is hard on its own. A week after being up here, my dog, Probie, whom I left in San Antonio with my grandparents, died. That was really tough. He wasn't even a year old and he just fell over and he was gone. It was so horrible. At least he didn't hurt much hopefully. Foxx and I have learned that we have a lot of differences but we are working through them.

So a lot of transitions are taking place and while it is a lot on me, I'm handling it pretty well I think. But I will get back on later. I just want to take a little bit of me time without thinking about everything that has gone on these past two weeks. I need a breather lol.

Ttyl,

Ren

Tomorrow Is A Brighter Day

Tonight was hard. Deep discussions were had between my younger brother and I that everything isn't all it seems and that things happen in life that shape each human being as they are. It was a toughy. I'm not going into details but it was hard. But we will be okay.

I get to see Foxx at 8 pm this evening. It is now 2:30 am. So I am going to go to sleep now. Sorry I wasn't able to continue the countdown. Ended up staying at my Dad's who has no internet so wasn't able to publish anything.

Hopefully I will be able to publish something on Monday but that is the day I am moving so I might not be able to. Peace out!

Ren

The Countdown Continues

Only 6 more days until the move! I made some preparations today. Since I had moved out of my apartment and am kind of...transient, my belongings are pretty much everywhere. There are clothes and my crafting stuff and memories at my Nana's, some few things at my dad's like...a suitcase full of stuff easily packed, and then stuff at my friend, Desi's where I have my own room.

Today I tackled everything I needed to at my Nana's. That is where most of my stuff was at that I needed to pack. It feels so good to get that out of the way. All I need help on is actually getting it into my PT Cruiser, but my dad will be helping me out with that on Sunday before I leave. It felt so good to get that out of the way. Clothes are all space bagged and my randoms are in a large tote that fits into the back of my vehicle.

Also had my brother's birthday dinner for the family. He turned 11 years old and I couldn't be prouder of the little man he is becoming. I'm going to really miss my brothers but it'll be okay, this exact thing is the reason they invented Skype. Well, that was my day!

Until tomorrow!

Ren

The Countdown

And so the countdown begins. Only 7 days left until I move to Ft. Worth, TX to begin a life with Foxx and a brand new me. Well, someone who I have been all along just more assertive and less needing of being accepted. I've always tried to fit inside this box to make everyone else happy and it's just not me. So I am super excited and can't wait!

He is coming down on Saturday the 6th of August. I really miss him so much, it will be great to see him. It has almost been a month since I have seen his beautiful face. Moving though...gosh it gives me the willies. Didn't have it until just this moment when I am actually writing about it and giving it some incredible thought. This is something I have to do but damn, I'm kind of scared. It's pretty great at the same time.

Last week some crazy things happened though. First, my dad talked to Foxx over the phone. This I didn't see coming seeing as how things blew up last Monday. But it happened. I don't really know what was said but it was a tiny bit of progress on my dad's part.

Then, something else blew me out of the water! My mom actually invited Foxx over for dinner! My parent's are divorced so this isn't creating any conflict in a household. I'm really proud of Mom. She supports me and she trusts my judgement. That is a good feeling. She even said she is proud of me. Last night she even said that Foxx was a good man. The comment had me stunned to say the least. She was so against even meeting him in the beginning. She didn't meet him until July and I've been in a relationship with him since May 1st.

Foxx is really excited to be coming to live with him. He really misses me and I just wish he was here to hold me in some moments. He is a huge comfort in my life. Hopefully, everything works out the way they are supposed to be.

Well, I think that is all for today. I have been posting once a week but, since this is a countdown I am going to try to post once a day this week. If for nothing else to keep an actual countdown. Until tomorrow!

Ren

Girl Escaped With Life After Nearly Fatal Car Crash

Everything seemed to be in slow motion but so quickly all at the same time. A flash of red attacked my eyes as I reacted. Screeching tires swerved as they neared the truck with a trailer hitch that had pulled out in front of me from stop traffic into my lane. One side of my car was up in the air, somehow I pulled on the steering wheel and it made it back down on the ground and then my driver's side was up in the air. At this point I was almost sideways in my lane, heading to sideswipe a car in the right lane next to me. Thankfully, before making impact, my car straightened itself out and both tires were on the ground and I was going straight again and safe. All I can say is that it was God who let me get out of that predicament. When I knew for sure I was safe, I called Foxx over the Bluetooth in my car.

"Hello." His voice sounded chipper.

"I almost died." The breath was still a little knocked out of me.

"Oh? How?" Very nonchalantly, as if he didn't almost just lose me. I told him the story.

"Like I said, I almost died. I could've been bye-bye."

"But you're not. You're okay." Attentions, damn it!

"Thank God I made it out of that, that was the Lord man."

"You can believe what you want to believe." He chuckled.

"Yes, yes I can damn it!" I chuckled sarcastically. "I almost died!"

We continued this conversation until I had settled down and regained control of my brain and erratic emotions. Not only did that happen today but when it happened I hadn't slept for 30 hours, thankfully I was able to react that quickly. I was never able to fall asleep the night before even though I tried for hours. Whew! You have no idea how traumatizing that is. Well, a lot of people probably do if they have ever been in a bad wreck or a near-bad wreck. You happen to get a lot more thankful for the life you were given.

Just a quick update on my scary as shit day,

Ren.

Note To Self: You Gotta Do This For You

These past couple months have come and gone and Foxx and I will be together for 3 months starting August 1, 2016. There have been ups and downs and our lives haven't really been able to settle down. He had to move back to his hometown because his father ended up getting super sick and needed to be there for him. My family doesn't approve of him, but it is what it is. He makes me happy.

On August 8, 2016, I will also be moving up there with him and his parents. There is just way too much negativity down here and it's weighing me down and I am lectured everyday by family. I'm just really tired of people thinking their thoughts and opinions drilled into me day after day is going to change my mind.

Foxx and I's relationship has made me think a lot about the way I want to be treated and how I want to live my life. I'd never realized that certain family members that have huge roles in my life are also toxic to my mental and emotional well-being. They have been for a long time and I'm certainly not going to entertain that kind of treatment anymore. I no longer want to be scared or ashamed to be myself.

Today, amongst everything that has been going on, started fine but ended up kind of...ugly? My family has been tearing me down in the fact that I want to be with Foxx. It has been an emotional rollercoaster. One that Foxx has ridden with me and has said nothing to any members that have caused me this pain. Well, he finally broke and exploded on Facebook. This is the exact post that was written by Foxx:

"Anyone who has a problem with me or my relationship with

Ren how about you have some courage and say it to me!!

Not talk like little bitches behind my back!!

Oh...I forgot...you're all Christians...

Hypocritical, self deceptive, closed minded, judgmental, unaccepting, fear-filled Christians..

Yet I'M the evil one..

Lmao..

None of you know a single damn thing about my life or what I've been through..

So with all the kindness and love in the world...

Go fuck yourselves.

Hard. "

While this was really immature on his part and he didn't quite get his point across, I understand that he was angry and is hurting with how cruel some people in my family is being. I deleted the post and talked to him about it but the damage was already done. My sister (who I am extremely displeased with at the moment) screenshotted the message and sent it to various members of my family. Now, I am dealing with that bullshit.

One of the only members of my family who actually supported my relationship has now recanted their support because of this post. Foxx and I had a stern talking and in the end resulted in him not posting anything on Facebook on my timeline unless I have read what he has said and I have given him consent to post. I actually hate drama. Despise it. I never have drama on Facebook or have drama come into my real life from Facebook and it is not okay that it became that way. He agreed to these conditions so that conversation was done.

I can't wait until these couple weeks are over and done with. I'm tired of my family being an issue where they shouldn't be. Fortunately, Foxx and I have a really healthy relationship despite our hardships. I can't wait to finally be able to breathe.

Until next time,

Ren.

In The Beginning...

In the beginning God created the heavens and earth. He decided that it would be a good idea to create mankind and so created Adam and Eve to be fruitful and multiply. The only request he gave was for Adam and Eve was to not eat of the fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil. Well, here comes the serpent and we pretty much know the rest.

As Christians(or any other monotheistic believer), we go about life believing all things good are from God. Anything bad, we consider that the devil has had inevitably something to do with it. Good vs. Evil.

Easy, right? But what happens when what we are taught what is bad turns to something good and things aren't as black and white anymore? They're more...colorful than we once thought.

Back in February(2016), I was on my last legs with a relationship that was going nowhere and it was no longer a good thing for me. I was treated horribly by this man who claimed to love me. He was abusing me mentally, psychologically and verbally. It never turned into physical abuse but there was no love anymore. He never thought about consequences and maxed out my credit cards without my knowledge, worked on my car doing more damage than anything else to it, and would always leave

me alone all the time to do his own thing and be with his friends.

It was at this time that I turned to a couple of my friends and they in turn took me out to start making friends with other people to get my mind off the turmoil going on at home. I'm a homebody, so going out with random people was fairly new to me, but I was very excited to be doing something new with people who shared some common interests. During this, I ended up making a few friends who connected me with their friends and this is how I met Foxx.

A girl, who quickly became my best friend(Desi), introduced me to Kik and she created a group where she introduced me to some of her friends and vice versa. It was in this group that I met him, at first we didn't really talk but one night my ex was gone like so many nights before. I was bored and so started a conversation with this guy since we were the only ones online at the moment. We connected quickly and I ended up calling and talking to him for hours, it was fun, he was sweet.

We were instant friends and I would talk to him whenever my boyfriend decided to leave with his friends (my boyfriend was very jealous so I communicated to almost no one when he was around, not really even family). One night we were talking and we opened up a conversation about religion. He stated he was a Satanist and I didn't really believe my ears.

"You're a Satanist?" I questioned. Why is it that Christians (or at least in my head), always think that everyone is either a Christian or Atheist and we are stunned by any other answer? It's probably just me.

"Yes." Was his reply.

"I've never met a Satanist before." I do live in the bible belt. My body language shifted from open to a little bit more closed off. We are taught as kids that everything with the word Satan is instantly horrible. In my mind, he believed evil was good. Man, how narrow-minded I was. We continued to talk, I told him about my relationship with God, not preachy, but to share my side of things. I questioned his reasoning as to why he was a Satanist and what made him start to believe that way. He freely answered any questions I had and vice versa.

Being a Christian, I do hold some beliefs that most Christians would not agree with. Some probably wouldn't even consider me a Christian, some would say more spiritualist as I do not really believe in the bible. I believe in evolution, I believe in science. I believe putting facts and the supernatural side by side. I believe God is way too great to be able to have all his wisdom and feelings put in a language that we can understand.

We both told each other that we could never be together because we had too many differences and that it was great that we each had a friend in each other where nothing would ever get romantic in any way. Man, was I horribly wrong.

At the end of February, talking to Foxx and some other friends and leaning on them for support, I broke up with He Who Shall Not Be Named. It was on the day of deciding this monumental occasion that I decided it would be a good day to meet Foxx in person since he had really been the one to give me the strength to get out of that horrible relationship.

Desi joined me since I didn't want to meet him alone and she was already a friend of his. We decided to meet up at his hotel room which he kept as a permanent residence. At first, I sat awkwardly on the other bed with Desi after giving him a hug. We all started talking and eventually we fell into the groove that we had on the phone. Desi ducked out a little while after and left us by ourselves. I felt comfortable around him. When she left, we started talking about the end of my relationship and the hurt feelings that came with a bad break up. He held me and wiped my tears away. So many emotions were running through my soul that I just...kissed him. Just a little peck. He pecked me back. Then it happened again. We stopped and he just held me again. Midnight came and I excused myself, going home to someone who I no longer wanted to be with.

The next day was the blowout of the break up, where my ex was furious that I was breaking up with him when he didn't want to. I left to look at other apartments while he silently fumed, ignoring my existence. My first call was to Foxx.

"So, my morning is sucking right about now, do you wanna go help me look for apartments?" I needed someone near me to talk to.

"I'll be ready in a little bit, come pick me up and we will go." We ended up having lunch and then apartment hunting, my ex texting me to come home and talk all the while. I stuck to my ground and said I would be back later. Foxx and I bonded over music in the car.

We became really close and I could tell that the relationship was changing. He knew it was too. He was falling in love with me, but I stuck to my ground in the fact that I couldn't be with him. In my family, being with a Satanist would never be accepted.

A month went by and I was still stuck in the lease with my ex, all the while Foxx and I going back and forth on what we were to each other and were we more than just friends? We didn't have a physical relationship up to this point but he was feeling a little used. I was just happy that I'd found a best friend and I didn't want it to end. He wanted something more.

A week before the lease on my ex and I's apartment was done, he bailed and left since I was spending more time with friends and not with him(talk about a turn of events). The apartment was trashed since I'd been spending the night with Desi and Foxx(he had moved into her and her fiancé's duplex) and he left me to clean up all of his mess. What an ass.

Foxx got me through. He cleaned up my ex's mess with no complaint, listened to every scream and cry that came from my heart as it finally ripped open with the realization that a chapter in my life was over and that it'd never be the same again. While the pieces of my heart fell he was right next to me, picking them up before they touched any hardened surface and became hard themselves. He quieted my spirit and helped me feel better.

Two weeks passed and I'd moved in with Des, her fiancé Vinny and Foxx. We were happy, but after all he had done for me, helped me through and felt for me, he wanted more. He wanted a commitment, more than just being friends. I'd been torn in two. Do I stick to my original ideal? Do what I know my family would think is correct so as not to cause another heartbreak in knowing that they could possibly disown me? Or do I take this...angel (of darkness?) as my boyfriend? Throw caution to the wind. Do what I felt to be right for me in that moment even though I knew of the possible consequences?

After many tears and scenarios playing in my head, I said yes. Yes, I wanted to be with him. He felt so...right. It was not a decision that was pondered lightly. He had shown his love for me with everything he had done in our friendship, going above and beyond and showing me his character. He had dug himself a home in the darkest corners of my heart and made them come alive, opening up my soul. What did I get myself into? 

Black and white. Darkness and light. Demon and angel.

This is where our story begins.